


my lover's the sunlight

by baodown



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Can I call this a character study??, Character Study, F/F, F/M, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, MAJOR SPOILERS lol, Not Beta Read, Pining, Reader is a Scout, Reiner just needs some tender love and care ):, Spoilers, so much pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-02
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-13 20:34:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29159718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/baodown/pseuds/baodown
Summary: It wouldn’t be so bad if he gave up now, right? It’s almost like he can hear your voice again, calling out for him once more.(MAJOR SPOILERS UP TO 4X7 IN ANIME)
Relationships: Reiner Braun/Reader
Comments: 6
Kudos: 80





	my lover's the sunlight

**Author's Note:**

> ohhh my god Reiner is one of my favorite aot characters so of COURSE i had to write about him! he’s such a complex and well written character who deserves so much love and sympathy, and s4 Reiner is just so… *chef’s kiss*
> 
> **major spoilers for, like, the whole show when it comes to Reiner lol**  
> *also im an anime only so i apologize if this goes against anything canon in the future!*

Death is not a new concept for Reiner. As an Eldian, his life was always threatened by Marley; his life was merely child’s play for any Marleyans that came his way, whether he was an “Honorable Marleyan” or not. When he became a Warrior, his life was thrown into the sights of Marley’s enemies as a weapon, a tool, a means to an end; if he died in battle, that was no matter. They could always find another willing and useful Eldian instead, someone more worthy than he. When he first infiltrated Paradis, he lived in fear of the devils who resided there, but as he began to fall deeper and deeper into their embrace, Reiner began to fear that the Marleyans would threaten the life he had built for himself or the Scouts would learn the truth and leave him behind, and then he truly wouldn't have anywhere else to go except six feet underground. However, it wasn’t until he returned home that he learned that perhaps the biggest threat to his life was himself.

Reiner never thought his life would be ever threatened on the soil of his hometown like this, yet here he is, frozen in time and space, closest to death as he’s ever been. Considering all the shit he’s done in his measly 21 years of living, that’s truly saying something.

He wonders if it was all worth it, everything he’s done to lead him to this point. Doing everything he was asked for his mother, for his father, for his nation, for his mission, for the Scouts, for his comrades, for his friends, for _you_.

It was all worth it when it came to you.

His thoughts unwittingly wander to the day that he revealed the truth to the Scouts. You hadn’t ridden up the wall yet, but from your position on the ground, it was clear as day that you had been able to somewhat piece together what had happened when he and Bertholdt transformed.

(Honestly, Reiner was thankful you’d been farther away. Your frozen figure of disbelief made him question what he was doing long enough for Eren to gain the upper hand, and that was while you were on the other side of Wall Maria.

He didn't know what he would’ve done if you were in his and Bertholdt’s line of fire, if you’d gotten hurt because of him, or if he’d seen the complete terror on your face up close.)

Hours later, when the Scouts had finally caught up, you’d clung onto his broad shoulder with tears streaming down your face and a haunted look in your eyes, pleading for “an explanation, a reason, anything, you wouldn’t do this to us, to me, please, Reiner, please just stop and give us the truth, I’m begging you” as if you didn’t just see him try to kill his previous allies as the Armored Titan, the very Titan that caused the chain of death and destruction that ultimately lead you to him. Refusing to slow down, despite every part of Reiner’s body urging him to stop, Jean was forced to drag you away screaming until you were just a flying blip in the distance, a figure in his vision getting smaller and smaller as you swung away. 

After Reiner had gotten captured by the Scouts months later, his limbs missing and body hissing with steam, neck bloody from Hange’s painful interrogation, you still came up to him, your voice trembling, asking him to explain the situation to you. Truthfully, he’d barely even listened to you, delusional with pain and content just to hear your voice before his eventual execution.

“Take off my blindfold,” he rasped quietly in a futile attempt to see you again. Even his own voice sent a thundering pain into his head as he spoke, yet he uttered your name anyways. “Please.”

You weren’t part of the group that took him down with the Thunder Spears, whether it was your decision or not, although he wouldn’t have blamed you if you were, but a part of him hoped that you had refused to turn against him even after everything. You’d always been so kind to him, to everyone, so you’d perform this last wish, right? By now, it’d been months since he’d last seen your face. He was so sure that you would oblige. You knew he’d never hurt you, that you meant the world to him. He was going to die, and all he wanted was to just see your eyes again, to look at your smile one last time. He’d do anything for you, anything at all. He’d never put you in danger like that. You knew all that, so why weren’t you taking it off?

You paused. “I… I can’t, Reiner.”

And his world stopped.

You floundered, spewing out apologies and rambling on about how if he just told the truth, then everything would be okay, but he just had to explain everything first, but Reiner didn’t listen because all he heard was that _you didn’t trust him anymore, and that was his fault_.

A loud booming began to overwhelm his body, guilt surging into his chest with painful waves. His thoughts drowned out any sensible thought in his head and any control of his remaining senses. He couldn’t hear your frantic words to get him to confess, the pounding of the Cart Titan getting closer and closer, the screams and shouts of the Scouts getting slaughtered by its presence, not until he heard a loud thump of a body hitting the ground and _your scream_ and his mind instantly cleared.

“NO!” He choked out as loud and as fast as he could, thrashing his useless body around in a pitiful attempt to get to you. “Don’t hurt them, Pieck, please,” he cried out.

A pause. A thud. A cry. Silence.

He froze, feeling Pieck’s teeth gently start to pull him into her mouth.

Reiner whispered out your name. “Are you alive?”

Nothing.

He tried again. “Answer me, please, are you okay?”

Nothing again. He was fully pulled into Pieck’s mouth now, but he _still didn’t know if you were okay_. He pleaded for her to stop and wait for just a second, but she didn’t because why would she? He felt Pieck bounding back towards where she came from, and he cursed his blindfold, his missing limbs, Marley, Eldia, everything in the world, because he just wanted to know that you were _alive_ , he didn’t deserve it by far, but he just needed to _know_ , and then you cried out.

“Reiner,” soft and whimpering, barely heard over the loud pounding of Pieck’s hands and feet onto the ground, but it was _enough_. You were alive.

For the first time in months, Reiner relaxed, and he returned to Marley, never to see you again, but cursed to a lifetime, however short it may be, of asking himself “What if I stayed?” 

Reiner wonders now what would be different if he had given up on his mission before it was too late, returned to your loving embrace, and spent these past four years with you that he’d lost. He’d already wasted so many years of his childhood without the recognition and approval he so desperately wanted until he’d met you and the rest of the Scouts, so was it really a crime that he wanted more?

In the darkness of his Titan’s shell, he ponders how you are now, and his thoughts darken with the realization that Eren’s so-called “comrades” he’d sent letters to were undoubtedly the Scouts, and that meant… you. _Are you in Marley?_ He silently asks, _Are you here to kill me_?

He’s had fitful night terrors of the Ackermann’s coming to kill him and Eren returning to fulfill his promise to make him suffer and die in the worst way possible. He’s experienced moments where he swears he hears the distant whirling of 3DMG gear and flinches with the dread that _someone’s_ come back for revenge, but he knows his biggest fear of all is that _you_ won’t look at him the same way ever again.

That was all he needed. The care and comfort you seemed to hold in your eyes, that was all he wanted. Honestly, if you told him that the only thing you needed to have closure was his death, Reiner wouldn’t hesitate to fulfill your request. If it meant that you’d forgive him and just look at him the way you used to, it didn’t matter. He was halfway to death already.

(In a perfect world, though, there’d be nothing to forgive. Together, you’d live happily and safely, free from fear and death and Titans and everything else that has ever caused either of you pain. But this world isn’t perfect. He knows that. But with you in it, whether you’ve forgiven him of his sins or not, it’s as close as he can get.)

He thinks back to the first time he brought you to the cliffside overlooking the lake in Paradis. Although Reiner considered it his own private asylum, he believed you would enjoy the sight as much as him. He was right.

The two of you sat there for hours, basking in the sunlight and drowning in the fresh air. Although you had only known each other for just a short year as trainees, you had confided in him your reasons for joining the Scouts, confessing your aspirations to see what the world had to offer and confiding the terrors that the Titans had rained down onto you and your family after they broke through Wall Maria. After _he_ broke through Wall Maria. But you didn’t know that.

He wondered what would happen if he had told you the truth then. If you’d have scorned him away and pushed him aside, heartbroken and betrayed over the fact that the man you seemingly thought to have hung up the Sun and the stars in the sky was actually a coward, a liar, a killer, a useless filthy unwanted unworthy--

But you didn’t need to know the truth. You _couldn’t_. (Not yet.) And so he sat and listened and offered words of advice when you looked like you needed reassurance, smoothing your worries away like the leader he was supposed to play. A familiar guilt crept up his neck, ebbing and flowing as he watched you contemplate his words in silence with a furrowed brow.

When you finally looked up at him and offered your sincerest words (an earnest “Thank you, Reiner. I don’t think you know how much you mean to me.”), he could not tell if the emotion clenched painfully around his heart was the admiration he held for you or the regret of using deception to gain yours. At least he got to see you smile, though, as you stood and hurriedly wiped tears from your eyes, asking him to promise to bring you back to the cliff for something “more fun than crying next time”. He assured you that he would, and he did.

“ _Reiner_!” A voice screams out. It’s muffled and disconcerting. “ _Help us!_ ”

The sunny moment slips from his mind, hazy and disconnected from the outside world.

“ _Galliard is about to get eaten. Help us, Reiner!_ ” It wails, begging and praying.

He takes a moment. He recognizes this voice, doesn’t he? Gabi. It’s Gabi. She screams and screams his name again, her voice echoing through buildings, bouncing off destruction and rubble, somehow reaching him despite his wishes to just finally rest. Another voice joins hers, and he tenses painfully, the screeches like sharp nails threatening to tear apart the safe haven you’d built for him.

 _Shut up_ , he thinks, _Can you please be quiet?_ He thinks of you and sinks into his soft memories once again, his eyes immediately meeting yours and a soft smile playing on your lips like an unspoken “welcome back”, and he relaxes. It wouldn’t be so bad if he gave up now, right? It’s almost like he can hear you again, calling out for him once more.

 _Reiner, Reiner_ , you sing, your soft voice ringing in his ears. It’s strange. He hasn’t heard you say his name since Paradis. But does it matter if he’s with you for the first time in years? It’s not like his nightmares where you spurn him away with hatred in your eyes or his daydreams where he wonders how your voice would sound offering vows of forgiveness, but _with you like before_. With nothing to worry about, at least for your day off of training. No Titans or Warriors or orders to follow, just the two of you, breathing easy.

“Cloud gazing” was the fun thing to do for your subsequent trips to the cliff, you’d claimed, although he spent more of it looking at you instead of the sky. Watching you glow (either from laying under the sunlight for hours or because you just naturally exuded that presence in his life, or maybe both, he really couldn’t tell) as the two of you laid on the dirt path. Surrounded by a tranquil breeze running through the trees and the quiet sound of the lakeside hitting against the shore. Staring at the clouds and whispering secrets from the past and desires of the future, the what-ifs and could-you-imagines. Warm touches traded back and forth, never crossing any lines but comforting nonetheless. Coy, gentle smiles made for only him. Quiet promises to make it through, to see the ocean, to keep everyone safe. (He’d silently promised to himself that you’d be safe most of all, whether you’d like it or not.) Glimmering eyes, shimmering hair. You.

 _Reiner, Reiner, Reiner,_ you call and point towards the sky, and his gaze shifts upwards, eyes following your directions and latching onto a fluffy cloud floating in the distance. He looks down at you again, watching as a smile easily makes its way onto your face, drinking in the way that you look as if he’s a madman lost in the desert and you’re the only oasis in the world.

This time, he’ll do the right thing, he muses. No pretending, no acting. No, if this is what he gets in return, then he’ll be the person that you thought he was ten times over. A leader. A soldier. A warrior. A person worthy of you. You could name anything you wanted him to be, and he’d do it all with a smile on his face. As long as he could still see you like this, then he’d know he’s doing something right for once in his goddamn life.

“ _Help us,_ ” a voice dimly calls in his ears, and Reiner pauses, hesitantly glancing around. There’s no one else there besides the two of you. _Is someone calling him_ , he faintly wonders, but your voice chimes out again, and he is pulled back deep into you, any concerns vanishing with your presence. 

_Reiner, Reiner._ The way you cry out his name almost sounds like a prayer. A teasing one, but a prayer nonetheless with the way your lips seem to form his words. He wants to laugh; if anything, _he’s_ the one who’s hopelessly devoted to you, and _you’re_ his saving grace.

He waits for you to meet his gaze again, to share another moment, to see your eyes glinting and your smile shining, but you keep your eyes to the clouds, pointing at another one and grinning cheekily. _Please look at me_ , he thinks desperately. He frowns and murmurs your name, but you’re too lost in the clouds, your eyes getting farther and farther away. 

Reiner’s hand flexes and reaches out for you, just to capture your attention for himself for a little while longer. If only you’ll just turn and look back at him; he just wants to see your face or hear your voice, to feel your touch just one more time, please, please, please, just one more, that’s all he needs, that’s all he wants, he’s just a fingertip away from touching you again, please don’t go, don’t leave, just let him--

“ _Reiner, help us!”_

The reverie breaks. The sunlight fades. You disappear.

Reiner’s eyes open. He shifts. And he roars.

**Author's Note:**

> that’s that! my first post, whoooo! hope you guys enjoyed (:
> 
> ideally one day i want to write a Long fic about Reiner BUT im new to the whole writing thing, so im gonna get better first and then attempt it! it might take a while lol
> 
> don't forget to kudos, comment, etc etc (if you would like!)  
> you can find me on [tumblr](https://baodown.tumblr.com) as well!
> 
> here's the [spotify playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0H8hU4YM4T6fAzqSKLD2Fd) for the fic!
> 
> (title from "Take Me to Church" by Hozier)


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